Wednesday, June 11, 2014
What does it mean to love? I don't know for sure, but what I know is, it's the most enjoyable feeling in the world. I'm not a love expert, I can be dense most of the time, (hehehe!!) but the thing that I can share with you is that I know, and I've felt it. And surely, it is as real as it gets.
As I was growing up, I've never really believed in it. I even second guessed that I had a heart. Though I was compassionate with the world and all that, focusing my energy onto a particular person hasn't crossed my mind (You can ask my friends about it). By high school, they had these plans about the future, the dream of getting married, first dates, this 'Mr. Right', wedding gowns and all that. "I am so weird", I said to myself at that time. As much as I would like to contribute, I never really had anything in mind, and I was a teenager. Though I had crushes, I never really got into those details of the not so far future of mine.
I was practically a sad kid/teen, I thought that love wasn't for me. Mostly I was influenced by the things that was around me, my parents never really had that great of a relationship, most of the pairings in my family are something that what you can call #WWYT stories. So, by the time I wanted to go out and explore the world, love was not a part of any of my lists.
There were people who would attempt to get closer other than a friend kind of level and then I would just brush them off. Not even letting them try, I had this auto shield working on. I was so naïve, thinking I can stop myself from feeling something but then, I grew older. And as an added package, curiosity hit me. My friends were now having 'that' person in their lives, their glow was something else, they won't even say anything but there was such a spark in their eyes and you'd that it was joy that they are feeling. NBSB, you can probably imagine how left out I felt that time, I , for the first time in my life, felt that shopping won't fill the void and loneliness that I had in my heart. Haha!!! I know what you're thinking, but it's all true, I tend to turn my attention into buying stuff when I feel like I'm missing something. I became so shallow. I thought that I can easily just buy my way into happiness but it wasn't being all happy that I want, I wanted joy.
I found it hard to share myself with another person. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Why can't I just make myself be lovable? So here comes my problem solving skills, if I have something good to say about myself, it is probably this one. I've always believed that a person can always work on his imperfections and we can always strive to be a better version of ourselves. My observation was, I wasn't letting anybody in, erratum, it's not even an observation, I was aware of this from the beginning, I had this auto shield on me so it's part of the problem.
Love is something that you allow, you have to be open to let it find you, to let it seek you. In reality, the shield that was protecting me, it wasn't doing that, it was separating me from possibilities, things that are about and supposed to happen. I was so afraid that if I let them see me for who I really was, no one would really care to get me out of the wall that I put myself into. Then I realized no one will pull me out of it, no one would remove the auto shield that I turned on except for myself. Myself. I felt so much before that I wasn't capable of love so it didn't come to me, I thought of it as just a tragic story with different versions for everyone. Cynic, yes. I knew I didn't even love myself during that time and it resulted to me feeling empty and alone.
As much as don't want to fall in love before, was that I wanted to be a better person and I wanted to grow up even more. So, I decided to be brave, and beginning on loving my own soul. Then when love finally found me, it turned out to be a wonderful BONUS gift that I will definitely cherish.
P.S. : This was supposed to be a review for John Legend's Tonight. Haha!!! But I can say that it still is, It is what the song makes me feel. It made me think of love and my love. <3>3>
Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. ― Anonymous, The New Jerusalem Bible
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